Feng Shui, Tigers, Xrays and Good wishes!
I know it is a longer posting. But I promise you good storytelling entertainment based on my very own story of today.
So it’s the end of the year and you go through this self analysis (or at least I do) and then you start thinking of the following year. You walk around the shopping malls and you see this and that. Glitter here, fake snow there. The 13th month salary has kicked in, and you KNOW it’s there, looking at you, unattended, solitaire. All of a sudden you pass through the book store. “Promotion” (NO SHIT! Really? In Xmas time!!!??? How can?! A complete shocker!). “Fortune & Feng Shui 2007 - Tiger”. And you are sort of tired of the business magazines and the HR reports, so you indulge yourself with some fun bubble-gum-for-the-brain type of literature.
This Lillian Too chick has made a ton and a half of money writing about these things. (You go, girl!) and there I am sitting, sipping a minty-vanilla hazelnut latte, as I listen to the Christmassy songs played at the coffee house. Work… career… love… family… health. OH! Health, let’s read this one…
So conclusion: I need to be careful with health. AIYO! Shaddap! Who are you kidding? Whatever! I have been doing YOGA and BODY BALANCE for almost 3 months now. Beat that, Lillian! What do YOU and your horoscope horoscope know about my health? Whatever…
I wake up this morning and our domestic help lady (let’s call her Miss K.) was quietly cleaning the floor in the kitchen. I did not see it was wet (for those who know me, you would recall I am NOT a morning person and my eyes look Asian-small at 9 AM, aight?) I went to the kitchen to look for my cereal bar; and automatically internally laughing at Lillian Too’s health prediction: “I eat cereal bars for breakfast, Lillian! I think you need to tune up your Feng Shui crystal ball, sister!”
As I walked in, the rubberish sole of my left shoe slipped and the odyssey started. CHAU CHAU BODY BALANCE and YOGA! They do not teach you how to LAND!!! A neverending slow motion falling-on-the-floor action. My eyes were not so small then, as I opened them in an expression like “OH-SHIT-I-am-gonna-break-the-crap-out-of-my-spine-right-now”. I attempted to grab the kitchen counter, but, to my very surprise it was also wet. My hand also slipped. My eyes opened bigger. I twisted my torso as a mixture between a cat falling from the ceiling and Neo from the Matrix while trying to grab the shoe rack by the fridge. Way to go, Einstein! The shoe rack is not attached to the wall! So there I was, looking at all my shoes falling on the floor (which was soaking wet!!!) while I was falling with the priceless leather treasures I bought in Argentina. What should I do?. Save the shoes, save the rack, same myself?
BAAAM! CRACK! OUCH! My left knee hit the ground. My eyes were small again. The silence was sharp, and only interrupted 5 seconds later by Miss K.
- Oh. So sorry sir. So sorry sir!...
- NO YOU ARE NOT SORRY! Do you want to be sorry!? I will give you some reasons to be sorry for. And I grabbed her from her neck and… OK FINE! I did not do that. But I thought of it. Thanks God for my emotional intelligence! So, as I started to stand up I managed to say:
- Do not worry. No problem. I am OK. Do not worry.
- OH. No sir! So sorry. Are you ok?
- YES! I SAID I WAS OK! ARE YOU DEAF!!!??? I TOLD YOU I WAS OK, UNDERSTAND!? HOW MANY FREAKIN’ TIMES WILL I… – I yelled to her in my mind. However, the expression that came out of my mouth was somewhat along the lines of : “Do not worry Miss K. I am OK. It is just a little bump”
A LITTLE BUMP!!!?? Who was I kidding!? It hurt like hell!! (OK, I do not know how badly Hell hurts, but it sounds pretty bad from up here) I applied some Tiger balm on it (FYI – “Relieves pain immediately”… YEAH! NOT SO MUCH, LIAR!)
I took a taxi to the office (another perfect excuse to go to work in a taxi) and while the taxi driver mumbled something about the new eco-taxies, and the low emissions, and new fares I was thinking I would have paid millions to see me from above, falling in slow motion. And I would play it, again and again; to laugh at myself. I do not get to be clumsy very often, so this would have been a great opportunity to record this moment for posterity.
So, casual Friday. I got to work, limping, half crippled & half smiling. There I was, limping my way into the office; smelling like uncle ointment and grinning through the reception pretending I was walking normally. So unglam! So non-fashionable! And the obvious question started to chase me from the reception until I got to sit in my hidden happy place cubicle at the end of the row. It echoed in my head like a lose scream in the mountains: “What happened to you?”, “What happened to you?”, “What happened to you?”, “What happened to you?”…
I fell in my kitchen. I fell in my kitchen. I fell in my kitchen.
It is always the case that the last person asking is the one that gets the angriest answer: I SAID, I FELL IN MY KITCHEN, BITCH! (OK, once again it was only a response in my head) I actually appreciated people caring enough to ask me how I was doing.
But, come on! Let’s agree, one feels like standing on one’s desk and while putting both hands by one’s mouth simulating a megaphone, yell again and again: “ I FELL IN THE KITCHEN, OK? YES, I DID! I FELL IN THE KITCHEN!”
On top of it all, there are always some individuals who do not understand how much embarrassed/pissed off you are so they come to your desk, and in a very low volume they ask you: “How did you fall?”; “Does it hurt?”; “How did it happen?”
HELLO!? Does it matter to you so much how I fell? Newsflash for you: you can do jack-shit about it! FYI, YES, it DOES hurt and I hope you are not enjoying the fact that it hurts.
Yet again, the voice in my head was the one screaming and swearing. My real voice came out softly and polite with a simple, yet complete explanation.
(I tell you it is quite a skill dealing with this voice in my head! And it never shuts up!)
As the day passes by the knee gets swollen and you entertain the idea of visiting the hospital. Xmas time. It must probably be full of people getting some sort of pomade to cure burns for having played with fireworks two nights ago; or indigestion for mixing turkey and chili and some Chinese concoction. But the pain is starting to affect your thinking process (and it affects the voice in your head, too!) OKOKOK!!! I will go to the hospital!
To my surprise, it was not so full of people and freaks. Though some might have needed some serious help in terms of fashion advise and style; but they did not go to the hospital for that. (Especially if they had seen the doctor that took care of me. Not a fashionista, I tell you!. Nope nope nope). I explained the situation to the doctor. It somehow feels good telling the doctor all the details of your injuries and stuff. As if he was able to cure you on the spot and make the pain go away.
No! He made me try on a robe and get into a tiny white room (Those robes: another proof that people do NOT go to hospitals for fashion advise!) GEE! Are these things ugly or what!?
- Where are you from? – the dude asked me while I was lying on the flat bed under the X-ray machine.
I cannot even repeat what the voice in my head replied to the dude.
- Argentina. My real voice said.
And again the same old enumeration of items that supposedly represent my country: Maradonna, soccer, beef and more soccer. Lovely.
- yes yes yes. You have an MBA in Argentinology. Now focus on my knee and take the freaking’ X-Ray. Thankyouverymuch. (pretty much what the voice in my head said. Although, this is a much better choice of words, I tell you!)
FLASH 1, FLASH 2, and finito. X-rays taken. 2 hours and S$125.36 later, here it is! Santa’s present to Nacho for being such a good boy in this 2006:
What is it?. OH, it is a mini sprained knee! FUN-fucking-TASTIC!
I hope you all enjoy your holidays, as I will probably be semi-doped; sitting on my butt (with a pillow under the knee, that is) and more uncle ointment aromatherapying my livingroom. Mmmm, sexy!
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year, people!
Last comments
- One more Xmas song I hear in the following days and I will literally kill the next Santa-Clown I see!
- Miss K.: why didn’t you set the yellow “Caution, wet floor” sign at the entrance of the kitchen?
- Why do these ointments come with this smell!? I mean, even dishwashing detergent smells better!
- Xing Nian Kuai Le & Wan Si Ru Yee… is a message I have just received from a Chinese colleague. It means: “happy new year and may all things be smooth sailing for you in 2007”. How opportune! Well, I tell you. I cannot wait for 2007 to come; 2006 has been quite a BICTH! :)
So it’s the end of the year and you go through this self analysis (or at least I do) and then you start thinking of the following year. You walk around the shopping malls and you see this and that. Glitter here, fake snow there. The 13th month salary has kicked in, and you KNOW it’s there, looking at you, unattended, solitaire. All of a sudden you pass through the book store. “Promotion” (NO SHIT! Really? In Xmas time!!!??? How can?! A complete shocker!). “Fortune & Feng Shui 2007 - Tiger”. And you are sort of tired of the business magazines and the HR reports, so you indulge yourself with some fun bubble-gum-for-the-brain type of literature.
This Lillian Too chick has made a ton and a half of money writing about these things. (You go, girl!) and there I am sitting, sipping a minty-vanilla hazelnut latte, as I listen to the Christmassy songs played at the coffee house. Work… career… love… family… health. OH! Health, let’s read this one…
So conclusion: I need to be careful with health. AIYO! Shaddap! Who are you kidding? Whatever! I have been doing YOGA and BODY BALANCE for almost 3 months now. Beat that, Lillian! What do YOU and your horoscope horoscope know about my health? Whatever…
I wake up this morning and our domestic help lady (let’s call her Miss K.) was quietly cleaning the floor in the kitchen. I did not see it was wet (for those who know me, you would recall I am NOT a morning person and my eyes look Asian-small at 9 AM, aight?) I went to the kitchen to look for my cereal bar; and automatically internally laughing at Lillian Too’s health prediction: “I eat cereal bars for breakfast, Lillian! I think you need to tune up your Feng Shui crystal ball, sister!”
As I walked in, the rubberish sole of my left shoe slipped and the odyssey started. CHAU CHAU BODY BALANCE and YOGA! They do not teach you how to LAND!!! A neverending slow motion falling-on-the-floor action. My eyes were not so small then, as I opened them in an expression like “OH-SHIT-I-am-gonna-break-the-crap-out-of-my-spine-right-now”. I attempted to grab the kitchen counter, but, to my very surprise it was also wet. My hand also slipped. My eyes opened bigger. I twisted my torso as a mixture between a cat falling from the ceiling and Neo from the Matrix while trying to grab the shoe rack by the fridge. Way to go, Einstein! The shoe rack is not attached to the wall! So there I was, looking at all my shoes falling on the floor (which was soaking wet!!!) while I was falling with the priceless leather treasures I bought in Argentina. What should I do?. Save the shoes, save the rack, same myself?
BAAAM! CRACK! OUCH! My left knee hit the ground. My eyes were small again. The silence was sharp, and only interrupted 5 seconds later by Miss K.
- Oh. So sorry sir. So sorry sir!...
- NO YOU ARE NOT SORRY! Do you want to be sorry!? I will give you some reasons to be sorry for. And I grabbed her from her neck and… OK FINE! I did not do that. But I thought of it. Thanks God for my emotional intelligence! So, as I started to stand up I managed to say:
- Do not worry. No problem. I am OK. Do not worry.
- OH. No sir! So sorry. Are you ok?
- YES! I SAID I WAS OK! ARE YOU DEAF!!!??? I TOLD YOU I WAS OK, UNDERSTAND!? HOW MANY FREAKIN’ TIMES WILL I… – I yelled to her in my mind. However, the expression that came out of my mouth was somewhat along the lines of : “Do not worry Miss K. I am OK. It is just a little bump”
A LITTLE BUMP!!!?? Who was I kidding!? It hurt like hell!! (OK, I do not know how badly Hell hurts, but it sounds pretty bad from up here) I applied some Tiger balm on it (FYI – “Relieves pain immediately”… YEAH! NOT SO MUCH, LIAR!)
I took a taxi to the office (another perfect excuse to go to work in a taxi) and while the taxi driver mumbled something about the new eco-taxies, and the low emissions, and new fares I was thinking I would have paid millions to see me from above, falling in slow motion. And I would play it, again and again; to laugh at myself. I do not get to be clumsy very often, so this would have been a great opportunity to record this moment for posterity.
So, casual Friday. I got to work, limping, half crippled & half smiling. There I was, limping my way into the office; smelling like uncle ointment and grinning through the reception pretending I was walking normally. So unglam! So non-fashionable! And the obvious question started to chase me from the reception until I got to sit in my hidden happy place cubicle at the end of the row. It echoed in my head like a lose scream in the mountains: “What happened to you?”, “What happened to you?”, “What happened to you?”, “What happened to you?”…
I fell in my kitchen. I fell in my kitchen. I fell in my kitchen.
It is always the case that the last person asking is the one that gets the angriest answer: I SAID, I FELL IN MY KITCHEN, BITCH! (OK, once again it was only a response in my head) I actually appreciated people caring enough to ask me how I was doing.
But, come on! Let’s agree, one feels like standing on one’s desk and while putting both hands by one’s mouth simulating a megaphone, yell again and again: “ I FELL IN THE KITCHEN, OK? YES, I DID! I FELL IN THE KITCHEN!”
On top of it all, there are always some individuals who do not understand how much embarrassed/pissed off you are so they come to your desk, and in a very low volume they ask you: “How did you fall?”; “Does it hurt?”; “How did it happen?”
HELLO!? Does it matter to you so much how I fell? Newsflash for you: you can do jack-shit about it! FYI, YES, it DOES hurt and I hope you are not enjoying the fact that it hurts.
Yet again, the voice in my head was the one screaming and swearing. My real voice came out softly and polite with a simple, yet complete explanation.
(I tell you it is quite a skill dealing with this voice in my head! And it never shuts up!)
As the day passes by the knee gets swollen and you entertain the idea of visiting the hospital. Xmas time. It must probably be full of people getting some sort of pomade to cure burns for having played with fireworks two nights ago; or indigestion for mixing turkey and chili and some Chinese concoction. But the pain is starting to affect your thinking process (and it affects the voice in your head, too!) OKOKOK!!! I will go to the hospital!
To my surprise, it was not so full of people and freaks. Though some might have needed some serious help in terms of fashion advise and style; but they did not go to the hospital for that. (Especially if they had seen the doctor that took care of me. Not a fashionista, I tell you!. Nope nope nope). I explained the situation to the doctor. It somehow feels good telling the doctor all the details of your injuries and stuff. As if he was able to cure you on the spot and make the pain go away.
No! He made me try on a robe and get into a tiny white room (Those robes: another proof that people do NOT go to hospitals for fashion advise!) GEE! Are these things ugly or what!?
- Where are you from? – the dude asked me while I was lying on the flat bed under the X-ray machine.
I cannot even repeat what the voice in my head replied to the dude.
- Argentina. My real voice said.
And again the same old enumeration of items that supposedly represent my country: Maradonna, soccer, beef and more soccer. Lovely.
- yes yes yes. You have an MBA in Argentinology. Now focus on my knee and take the freaking’ X-Ray. Thankyouverymuch. (pretty much what the voice in my head said. Although, this is a much better choice of words, I tell you!)
FLASH 1, FLASH 2, and finito. X-rays taken. 2 hours and S$125.36 later, here it is! Santa’s present to Nacho for being such a good boy in this 2006:
What is it?. OH, it is a mini sprained knee! FUN-fucking-TASTIC!
I hope you all enjoy your holidays, as I will probably be semi-doped; sitting on my butt (with a pillow under the knee, that is) and more uncle ointment aromatherapying my livingroom. Mmmm, sexy!
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year, people!
Last comments
- One more Xmas song I hear in the following days and I will literally kill the next Santa-Clown I see!
- Miss K.: why didn’t you set the yellow “Caution, wet floor” sign at the entrance of the kitchen?
- Why do these ointments come with this smell!? I mean, even dishwashing detergent smells better!
- Xing Nian Kuai Le & Wan Si Ru Yee… is a message I have just received from a Chinese colleague. It means: “happy new year and may all things be smooth sailing for you in 2007”. How opportune! Well, I tell you. I cannot wait for 2007 to come; 2006 has been quite a BICTH! :)
posted by iGnacio at
Friday, December 29, 2006
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5 comments
